Questioned Sanity
by Merlin's trash can
Summary: What happens when Professors Lupin and Snape are thrown together into the same room for hours together with no wands? Insults, silver, and dung bombs fly as they work out their problems with eachother.Takes place in third book. No slash. mild cursing.


The wall was devoid of any color or ornament, as was the floor. And the ceiling. And the freaking stool that he was sitting on. Everything was plain and white, nearly blinding him with its glare. Snape scowled at the man sitting on a second stool opposite him. The other man ignored him, which made him increasingly more frustrated.

He rolled his eyes as he once more struggled to shift in his seat, but apparently damn Dumbledore had thought it amusing to magically glue his behind to the chair. And he couldn't even move the chair because it was also magically glued to the floor. This was a pity, since he could not throw the stupid stool at the other man. Or kick him, since he was too far away. God, Snape couldn't even spit at the other man. Not only was spitting highly undignified, but he also didn't think he'd be able to spit far enough. Damn.

Severus groaned inwardly for the millionth time, wondering how the hell he had managed to get himself into this situation.

It wasn't his fault the argument started. Not entirely, anyways, since it _was_ Lupin who dared to breathe. And it wasn't he who had spilled McGonagall's morning coffee. That was all Lupin, with only the small help of Snape's push. It wasn't _his _fault the werewolf was so damned weak!

But apparently _Bumble_dore had decided it was his God-given job to stop all bickering between the two professors once and for all. And what was his brilliant idea? Why, how about locking the two in a pure white room together to work things out! How about taking away their wands as well and gluing their butts to a chair to "encourage diplomacy through words, not action"! Oh, what a marvelously delightful idea.

_Sadistic, evil, cruel... freaking Dumbledore!_ Snape thought to himself for the millionth time. He fidgeted in his seat once more. God, he was bored. Why couldn't Lupin say something! Stupid mutt!

* * *

Lupin busied himself over a little puzzle that he had found in one of his many pockets. Thankfully he carried many things in his pockets, all of which he was able to interest himself with and forget the evil Slytherin git that poisoned his air. That was one of the advantages to being poor: you were able to look as shabby and ridiculous as you want with people thinking nothing of it. This was why he had managed to magic over a dozen pockets onto his robes and still go unnoticed. 

Remus could not help but note Snape's numerous and scathing glares sent in his direction and saw a lot of rude hand gestures out of the corner of his eyes that he decidedly ignored. There was no way he was going to speak another word to the other man, not while their previous exchange of words still rang in his ears. The only way to deal with Snape was silence. And silence he would get.

Snape's frustration was tangible, radiating from the man's body like heat from a furnace. Remus grinned evilly to himself, enjoying the torture his adversary was going through. Unfortunately for Snape, _he _had no pockets!

Surprisingly, it was Severus who broke first.

"Where the hell are we, anyway?" The potion's master's voice was high and whiny with exasperation, an odd contrast to the man's normally cool, calm, and collective demeanor.

Remus, woken out of his concentration on one of the more interesting items in his pockets, glanced up at the other professor with slight shock. He had been so certain that Snape would try to ignore him throughout this particular "therapy" session. But he was wrong.

"How am I supposed to know?"

"Didn't you used to be one of the infamous Marauders? You and your friends claimed to know every room and passage in this school!"

"Well, since it's been quite a while since I was _fourteen _it's understandable that I can't remember such tiny details as what room was so cruelly designed as to resemble an interrogation cell. Gee, maybe you should try remembering something like that!" After a slight pause, when he realized how dumb he had just sounded, Remus added, "Anyways, what good would it do to know where we are? We can't leave this place anyways, only Dumbledore can unloosen the spells on these chairs since we don't have our wands."

"Well maybe I wanted to know for future reference!" Snape growled.

"Future reference?"

"Yes, dogbrain, maybe I'm going to use this room to torture disobedient students. It looks like a good place to hang them from their toes. Should be very entertaining."

"You're despicable."

"I just want to get something out of this miserable, mind numbing experience."

"What, don't like my fine company?"

"No, I love it! If you called longing to rip your eyes and tongue out love."

They were silent for a few minutes after that. Than, finally: "Hey, what did you mean by 'used to be a marauder'?" Remus questioned, face furrowed into a frown.

"You're not exactly one anymore, now, are you? After all, with the rest of your friends dead, the Marauders are now practically nonexistent, aren't they?" Snape did not look extremely sorry for this fact, and was instead smug sounding about the whole idea.

"They're not all…not all dead. Sirius is alive."

"Who, Black? _That _escaped murderer? I highly doubt that he counts. After all, he's dead in every way that counts. To you, anyways."

"What do you mean by that?"

"What, are you saying that Black is still 'your best friend'," Severus's voice was dripping with mocking, "Because, if so, I better call the Ministry to get rid of you. We don't want such a half-breed freak show as yourself letting a mass killer into the school to murder us in our sleeps, now, do we?"

The werewolf in question paused for a brief moment, eyes filled with pain, heart filled with regret. It was cruel of Severus to play on Lupin's longings and memories like that, but completely expected. _I should keep quite. Just ignore him. Curse you, Severus._

It was going to be a long, bad, horrible, awful day. And by the end of it, both teachers' sanity was going to be in question.

* * *

Remus felt in his pockets for another interesting artifact for what seemed like the twentieth time. He found, to his delight, in one of his pockets a few dung bombs and firecrackers. It appeared that he had stumbled on the compartment of all the "not allowed" artifacts stolen from students. 

The werewolf had a brief image of Snape exploding, covered in dung, his over long nose dripping with goop. Without warning, a whoop of laughter escaped from Remus's lips. Severus scowled over at him suspiciously.

"What, already bonkers? Didn't take you long, we've only been here for a few minutes."

"Correction, my fine friend, we've been here for…" Remus paused to check his watch, "…two and a half hours." He glanced up at the Potion Master's sallow face, grinning. "Maybe it is _you_ that has gone bonkers."

Severus Snape gave him his most death-inducing glares. Lupin once more thought of the dung bombs, and chuckled.

* * *

Half an hour later, Remus felt in one of his pockets to pull out a piece of blank parchment. After looking closer at it, he realized what it was. 

"The Map…" he muttered under his breath, gazing at the Marauder's Map with deep longing. What he would give to have his friends back with him, to scheme together, to have their faces bent over his shoulder, chatting about pranks while intently studying the magical map. The map that they had made together.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." He whispered so low that not even Snape could hear him. But it was useless without a wand, and not a single smudge of ink appeared on the blank page.

He looked up to feel Severus's intent stare on him. He blushed slightly as the other man smirked.

"What, talking to yourself now? Is ickle dog breath missing his friends?" The snake's voice was as slithery as ever, needling Remus's nerves and turning his hopes and fears inside out. "I'm sure that you can still escape your absolutely _horrid loneliness. _Black and his followers will surely welcome a werewolf into their fold. Especially since Black adores utilizing your blood thirstiness for murder. Already tried doing so before, isn't that right?"

Remus turned his head away in shame. "Shut up. It's not my fault!"

"Oh, than I suppose that the blood thirsty monster in the Shrieking Shack was not you, than? Is there some other werewolf in Hogwarts that I haven't heard about? Is there a whole secret society of them under our noses? An illegal group of half-breeds ready to kill at any moment…"

"It's partly your fault, anyway… After all, didn't you break a few rules going out at night into the Shrieking Shack? Just to get revenge on a fellow student."

Severus was enraged at this. "Oh, blame it on the Slytherin! That's right; it's always the Slytherin's fault. How could I ever think that maybe one of Dumbledore's favored Gryffindork's could ever do anything wrong? Bad Severus! Bad!" With that, he began hitting himself in the face, mockingly admonishing himself.

"What did Sirius ever do to _you_ anyway?" This was whispered, and Remus's eyes shone with a quiet agony.

"Besides make my life a living hell? You and your friends taunted and bullied me till I was nothing but a freaking shadow of what I should've been. And you're proud, aren't you? Just giving the Slytherin what he deserves."

"We were just children, Severus."

"And what did you think I was?" Snape was now whispering as well, a venomous sound, like snakes. "Don't answer."

The Potion's Master turned his head away, hiding his face behind a curtain of black hair.

* * *

_Three hours later…_

Remus was growing increasingly sick of the continual silence. Not to mention the fact that he had finally run out of interesting things in his pocket to look at.

Now all he had to look at was Snape. And, damn, was it annoying him! Lupin pulled out the dung bombs again. He had taken them from disobedient students in his classes. Surely it wouldn't be mature to…

The image of a dung-covered Potion's Professor rose unbidden to his mind. Hell, he would do anything to break this silence.

Silently, secretly, Remus tossed a bomb nearby Snape's stool. It would blow up in nine, eight, seven, six… Remus turned his head away.

"What-" Severus began, but was cut short by a small explosion and the sudden appearance of excrement splattered over his robes and face. He let out a shout of surprise and a few choice curse words.

"LUPIN! WHAT DID YOU DO!" The dung was gooey, brown, and starting to give off a rather revolting odor. Snape struggled to wipe off the stuff, but due to the fact that his hands were also generously covered in the filth, he really couldn't do much. And wiping everything on his robes wasn't much help either, as that only served to make the dung congeal and harden. Snape really didn't want to have the dung as his companion for the duration of Dumbledore's "therapy".

Remus couldn't really think of any viable excuse for throwing a load of crap at his fellow professor.

"What the HELL were you _thinking?_" Snape's words dripped with both venom and a considerable quantity of excrement. "I don't even wish to _contemplate_ the manner of animal which created this filth."

"Neither do I." Lupin made a rather pathetic attempt at a joke. Obsidian eyes continued to glare, demanding some form of explanation. The werewolf cringed. "Uhhh…I was…bored?"

"Mark my words, Lupin, you are a _dead dog_."

A piece of manure splattered from Severus's clenched fist to the floor.

* * *

_Revenge was sweet. _Or it would be if Severus could find a way to extract it. He was now searching desperately through his robes for some form of a spell, a potion, a rock, anything that could be a tool for violence against the damn man known as Lupin. 

Than, with a start, his hands clenched upon a small, circular object. He pulled it out, carefully keeping it hidden from Remus's prying gaze.He looked at it, and felt a sneer rising up from within him.

His watch. A watch with a chain. A silver chain. _SILVER!_

"Hey, Remus!"

The Defense teacher raised his eyes in surprise and shock to hear Snape use his name. His first name, too!

But it was even more shocking when he got a rather large fistful of silver chain tossed into his face.

"AAAUUUGGGHHH!" Lupin reared back as the offending object slithered off his face, leaving burnt marks in its retreat. A rather extensive vocabulary of swear words which Severus had not even realized the usually mild professor possessed poured forth from Remus's lips.

Several minutes later, when Lupin had stopped cursing long enough to send Snape a rather nasty glower, the latter was finally able to stop staring.

"Ahh, revenge really is sweet! Tastes a bit like caramel, really..."

"You-"

But Remus was cut short by the unfamiliar sound of a door opening and the unexpected sight of the headmaster's head poking through the now visible doorway. "How's everything going? Oh my…"

Dumbledore's famed twinkly eyes lost their twinkle for a moment as he surveyed the sight of his two prized professor's glaring wholeheartedly at each other, one covered in unspeakable substances and letting off a horrible odor, the other with a face as red as a lobster from burn marks.

"Hmmm…. So I take the anger therapy hasn't worked so far?"

"You damn well bet that it hasn't!"

"Maybe I should send you two up to the hospital wing..."

"That's an idea."

"…or maybe I shouldn't. It looks like you two need a bit more therapy. Good bye now. Have fun!" And with a cheery smile and a wave, slammed the door.

Both men stared open mouthed at the now, once more invisible, exit. The only exit they had from this hell.

They looked at each other with incredulity, and came to a silent agreement:

"Dumbledore will die."

And that is the story of how Severus Snape and Remus Lupin came to agree on something together for once in their life.

_**THE END**_

A/N

REVIEW! Thanks for reading. No flames, only constructive criticism and maybe... a compliment:-D REVIEW!


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